Njoki Chege "Please keep your nudity private like your payslip"
KENYA: The rattle snake of Kenyan social media streets is back with end year article that has got everyone talking about.
A woman’s nudity is like a payslip. To be kept private and shared only by a chosen few. Although you might be secretly proud of it, you are also shy in equal measure so you do anything to protect it from the wrong eyes. Nobody deserves to see it unless they are truly special. You do not broadcast it to the world; you do not take pictures of it; and more importantly you, DO NOT TWEET IT! I am here today to address the deluded women of Twitter who fallaciously think that anyone is interested in seeing their naked body parts.
For those of you readers and fans who are not very Twitter-ish, I have news for you. Your daughters and sisters on Twitter have decided to show us their nudity on social media.
SILLY HASHTAGS
Using silly hashtags that may well be constructed by a five- year-old, these women are cluttering our social media timelines with pictures of what is underneath their clothes; timelines that are supposed to be filled with more important things like news about Matiang’i’s latest surprise. Dear women of Twitter; please, showcasing your nudity on social media is not “feminism”, that is desperation. Posting photos of your oversized bosoms complete with those petrifying, wide-diameter black-obsidian areolas is not empowerment. Those are stupid moves that need to stop as soon as possible. Taking pictures of your twins (let’s call them ‘molly’ and ‘polly’) is not a proclamation of emancipation. That is stupidity, reloaded.
Look here, nobody on Twitter wants to know what is stuffed in those gargantuan, sweaty brassieres. I can assure you that only very few people are interested in seeing what’s beneath your blouses and dresses. Absolutely nobody — in heaven and on earth — cares about the size of your “cup”. I know your cup runneth over, but make no mistake ladies, the contents must never spill onto our timelines; D cup or A cup, nobody gives an (F) cup about your mammary glands.
NAKED SELFIES
Feminism is not about taking naked selfies for purposes of retweets. Feminism is not broadcasting nudity on social media. Some of you are mothers, for God’s sake! Have not an areola, sorry, iota of shame? Feminism is not about women taking photos of their bulging, untoned waists wearing a bunch of witchery, colourful waist beads for your followers to get disgusted. Feminism is about empowerment. It is about equal opportunities. It is about girls running the world, not women ruining the world with pictures of their breasts. It is about encouraging women to cover the F (c) up and take their education seriously so that they can be the future governors, senators and even columnists.
I don’t see how Twitter feminists taking pictures of their massive mammary glands (some have to be held up by the hand so they are not knocked by the knees) will help more girls score As in KCSE 2017. I don’t know how taking pictures of those charms they wear around their waists is supposed to encourage more women to run for elective seats in 2017.
MISLEADING WOMEN
All of you naked women who want to break the internet by the size of your breasts and not by the size of your brains are doing feminism wrong. You are misleading women and I hope your donors from the West read this.
Feminism tells a woman that her worth is not pegged on the size of her cup, but the size of her big ideas. Feminism tells a woman that her worth is pegged on what is between her ears and not between her arms. Feminism does not encourage young women to strip, stand in front of a mirror and take out her phone to snap the image. Feminism should encourage girls to cover up, sit in front of a book and study hard. A long time ago, men would hustle to see a woman’s payslip.
They would really beg, be nice, buy them dinner and take them out to the movies, just to peek into that payslip. Today, all that men have to do is to follow a hashtag and voila! You have as many payslips as your watery eyes can see. That is not feminism, dear dreadlocked, man-starved, twitter feminists.
The true spirit of feminism is such that you make a man
sweat it out before he can see your payslip. Let us go back to those days, when seeing a woman’s payslip was an honour, not just another nuisance on social media.
I wish you a 2017 with juicier payslips.
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